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Do you feel like you are waiting for the Lord to do a great work in your heart?

That was one of the reflection questions in our homework last week after being asked to read Psalm 40. We are studying David and his love for and trust in the Lord during our current Bible study, Falling in Love Again with Your Lord.

It’s a great question.

David says,

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.  He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. (Psa. 40:1-2)

I love the image of the Lord leaning toward me, His ear to me, listening to me! In my mind’s eye, I can see the God of the universe, creator of heaven and earth, placing His ear to my lips to hear my cry. Because I am, indeed, crying out to Him! I am crying out for deliverance from this season of affliction and pain, for restoration, for perseverance, for peace.

I suffer from chronic pain. My physical pain is an area of vulnerability for me, and the enemy latches on to this. It is easy for me to become fearful: will I always hurt? Will I always suffer this fatigue and pain? Will I ever have a day when I actually feel well? It is easy for me to take my eyes off the Lord and place them on my circumstances. It is easy for me to lose faith or to misplace my faith. I fall victim to despair.

David is a beautiful example to me of someone who praised God despite His circumstances. His faith grew and he praised God no matter what he was going through, how he felt, or what he faced.

I am currently unable to do much of what I used to do. I used to have a clean house. I used to be able to cook dinner. I used to check Facebook and keep up with e-mail. I used to know my children’s school calendars and keep up with events. I used to “feel” organized and “feel” in control of my life.

The Lord is using my affliction (and, even more painfully, the affliction of one of my children) to strip away what I thought was important. This is not an easy time. But the Lord, in His lovingkindness, has provided for me and placed me in this study of David, who lived through great highs and lows. The example of David’s life reminds me that God does incline His ear to me. HE is my Deliverer. HE makes my steps sure. HE leads me besides still waters and restores my soul. He wants my eyes on Him. He wants me to trust Him, to depend on Him.

I may not “feel” like this, but I know the Lord is using this season of affliction for my good. His Word promises that, and I believe it. David constantly praises God throughout the psalms, regardless of his circumstances, regardless of the storms of his life. He knows his help comes from the Lord.

As David says,

But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, “Great is the Lord!”  As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God! (Psa. 40:16-17)

I am praying the Lord will deliver, and that He will not delay, but in the meantime, the new song in my mouth will forever praise Him and His love for me.

Growing in Grace

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Father, I am wounded, but you will heal me. Right now, I am writing to you because my heart is hurting. Your truth said in Psalm 119:130 that your Word “imparts understanding to the simple.” I am learning how simple I am. I know I am to trust you, YAHWEH. You are “I AM.” I see that my flesh and my feelings are my pit of destruction. Psalm 40 reminds me that you have pulled those you love from this pit before. I know you will pull me out of this pit, I understand that I am to trust you IN ALL THINGS. But, my heart is hurting.

You keep me not just today, but every day single day. My heart feels like it has no joy right now, but I want to be filled with a love that brings such sweet joy no matter my wounds. Take my heart and keep it. Take my mind and keep it. You are my provider, my stronghold, my safe place. YAHWEH, I have to keep speaking these truths to myself right now because my flesh and feelings want to take my eyes off of you. Right now, I need to thank you; I need to praise you. I need to stop and come before you, on my knees as I write this. I need to lift up praise. “Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you” (Psa. 63:3).

I thank you for peeling back the layers that were on my heart and covering my eyes. Your magnificence, glory, and majesty can never be surpassed. You have sustained all things, my great Lord. You are Elohim. The one and only true God! Your ways are spectacular and I know this because I have read of your works and I have seen them with my eyes. I know you are sovereign. This life is not meant to be lived without knowing you. Not just knowing of you; knowing you. Knowing you so deeply that my heart aches be alone in my time with you.

These worries, cares, and things of this world are too heavy for me. I want to be so close to you that none of this matters anymore. I want to want you more than anything because I know you are real. Needing you more is what I need, but I know I am not capable of loving you this deeply without you giving me the grace to do so. Give me a desire to want to be so close to you that I see nothing else. Give me a spark. Let this spark ignite a flame that sets my heart ablaze for you. In the day, night, and even in the seconds never let this flame cease to burn. Like David, help me to earnestly seek you in everything, every matter. I am falling in love with you YAHWEH, and I feel so overwhelmed with gratefulness that you have allowed me to fall into you, rest in you, and to delight in you.

I use to wonder, “Why me?” But now I say, “Thank you for choosing me.” This love is something I have never felt before. I never knew I could feel this from you. I am your daughter, heir, and your creation. I am completely yours. If doubt comes upon me, never let it tarry in my mind. Let the words of Psalm 63 wash over me, let your Word dissolve all that is not like you in me. I know there will be failure, but don’t let me settle there. That is not where I want to dwell. Instead let me dwell in your presence. Allow me to think on these things: the God that has a heart for me gave His Son, Jesus. Jesus took my place. He took upon himself the “accursed tree.” He thought of me and drank the cup I could not. The lamb of God blameless and perfect became sin. He took the sin of the world. Jesus took my place so I could stand before God. He loved me enough to die for me, and when He rose from the dead I was raised with Him and was given the gift of life, the gift of grace, the love of mercy.

On days like this, I will pick this up and read my letter to you. I will be thankful for seeing that there was nothing I could do to pay my debt, and you made provision for me. Let me see that in these moments I still want everything to be for you. My marriage, my home, my family is all for you. No matter what is to come, you have been for me what no one has ever been, my Savior. I am not sure what my future may hold from here on out, but let my confidence never wavier. Even though I am simple and made of flesh and blood, “My beloved is mine, and I am his” (Song of Sol. 2:16). For all my days, be my Beloved above everyone and everything. No matter what.

Love, your daughter

All for His Glory

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I’m a new momma. While I’ve tried to keep life from changing as much as possible, because I hate change, I’m realizing that it’s inevitable that things have to. I’ve struggled more than I would like to admit with this, mainly because I feel guilty that I keep wanting/mourning my old way of life before my little buddy came into it, and I feel as if I should just have all these mushy gooshy loving feelings all the time for him.

I’ve been praying about this to the Lord. I know feelings don’t determine the ultimate truth (i.e., just because I really liked the way things were before him doesn’t mean I don’t love him and love this new life). But I have been asking the Lord to help me fully embrace and press on in this new life and I’ve been asking Him to help me feel the feelings as a comfort to me.

A really cool thing happened the other day. This past week of Falling in Love Again with Your Lord was all about God’s power. We read Scriptures from Job where God was asking him, “where were you when I did…” fill in the blank of the million and one things (everything around us) that God has created. I was struck by some other Scriptures in Psalms about how even the lions going out to get food is not something that just happens by chance; it’s because God is controlling nature and providing their food. Literally the entire universe at this very moment is being held together by God’s power. It’s amazing to think about and just to attempt to wrap my feeble mind around. I was talking with a friend who is also participating in the study this semester, and we were just talking about the amazingness of all of that truth. She started to share with me that the Lord revealed to her a while back that she had a fear of missing out. Missing out just on another way of life—what the world could offer her that seems so great while we’re here in the moment. She shared, though, that the Lord was revealing to her and helping her to believe the amazingness of who He really is and that while she may be missing out on something in this life, she’s now seeing that it’s okay because she’s gaining something so much better—a relationship with the God that literally holds and makes the world go on.

As she was saying this I literally looked at my son, who was sleeping in my arms and it was like the Lord completely opened my eyes and gave me new understanding. I have a fear of missing out too. Missing out on what life would be like without kids—my husband and I would be comfortable, life would probably look a lot easier. We already had our routine down by ourselves. In my mind right now, because things are changing so much, it seems as if we didn’t have kids, if it were just me and my husband, we could coast and always keep things the same. (I know this isn’t completely true because things would still change over time.) Because I want this perfect life, I want it “all” by the world’s standards, that would be a lot easier to maintain. But the Lord revealed to me that my son is so much better! That he’s worth laying those fears aside; he’s worth going through the changes for. What’s even sweeter is that my son is worth laying things down to gain something so much better just like the Lord is worth laying my entire life down because HE IS SO MUCH BETTER!

I want it “all” in this world. To me, having it all means having a perfectly clean, decorated house, having a very strict routine that you follow the exact same way every day, that the way people look at you is always good and you never show weakness. What the Lord is opening my eyes to is that if I really want it “all,” it’s through Him alone. Jesus wants to be my all.

Philippians 3:4-14 says:

…though I myself have reason for confidence in the flesh also. If anyone else thinks he has reason for confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; as to the law, a Pharisee; as to zeal, a persecutor of the church; as to righteousness under the law, blameless. But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Paul had it “all” here on this earth, but he knew that knowing Christ and living out of his identity in Him was so much better. By God’s grace I’m learning that too. And just like Paul I don’t know this perfectly or live this perfectly and never will this side of heaven, but by God’s grace alone I press on, because Jesus far surpasses anything that I would miss out on or have here on this earth.

Planted for His Glory