What Voice Do You Listen To?

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When my daughter was around 5 years old, she told me that there was a voice that lived inside her head. My daughter is highly creative, so instead of thinking, “OH NO!” I asked her tell me more. It turned out that my daughter had given this voice a name: Mind-y (like the word “mind” with a “y” on the end). My daughter held conversations with Mind-y. Sometimes, Mind-y was kind, and other times, not so kind. My daughter told me after school one day that Mind-y had told her she was dumb for missing a question on a test, but that she responded that this was not true; missing one question was still very good!

I found all of this completely fascinating; my daughter was learning at a young age that most of us have active “thought lives” and that different voices/thoughts clamor for our attention. Our “Mind-ys” can speak positive or negative thoughts to us. I urged my daughter to always listen to the positive voice in her head, and never let Mind-y belittle her.

Many years later, I still think what a profound illustration Mind-y was/is, and how God gifted my daughter at a young age to be so insightful. I know that I have my own “Mind-y” and that I listen to her negative words. My thoughts can be very negative. I struggle with fear of man, comparing myself to others, trying to find comfort in something other than the Lord – and these struggles lead to feelings of hopelessness and wanting to retreat. I try to silence my “Mind-y” by turning up the volume in my mind through distractions.

I used to believe this was just psychological; I suffered from depression and anxiety and I thought that a running tape of negative thinking was normal for someone with my conditions. Occasionally, a positive thought would take root and I would feel better for awhile, but the negative thoughts were never completely gone. I experienced all of these issues before and after I became a believer; before and after I attended church; before and after I regularly attended Bible studies.

Then I came to Thistlebend. I heard for the first time about spiritual warfare, that there is a spiritual realm we cannot see but that is very real, and that there are forces strongly opposed to God who will do whatever they can to keep us from focusing our thoughts on what is true and good. C.S. Lewis’ book, The Screwtape Letters, is a great fictional depiction on how demons attempt to keep humans focused on anything but God.

Laurie’s teaching helped me understand that we can combat the lies of the enemy by speaking biblical truth to ourselves. This has been enormously helpful to me as I have battled fear, anxiety, unbelief, feelings of isolation or hopelessness, and even despair.

Recently, I have been battling debilitating pain. I have been crying out to the Lord for deliverance but He has allowed my pain to continue. This week, during our homework, we read Psalm 40. The first verses read:

I waited patiently for the Lord; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction…and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. (Psa. 40:1-3)

As I worked on my Taking the Truth to Heart assignment, I felt the Lord leading me to Psalm 40:3 for my verse for the week. I confided in my small group that my pain was causing me to despair. I was fearful I would never get better. But by God’s grace, I knew I needed to speak more truth to myself, so I planned to live out the “new song in my mouth” by listening to more hymns and praise music. And I did.

My pain worsened and I became bedridden. But when fear or anguish threatened to dominate my thoughts, I would hear music. “How sweet the sound of saving grace; Christ died for me” ran through my mind constantly. My pain didn’t go away, but my faith was bolstered. The Lord sweetly taught me so much through this verse and the actions I committed to in my Taking the Truth to Heart assignment. When we truly take the truth of God’s Word to heart, when we speak that truth to ourselves, we can overcome the negative thoughts that the enemy uses to try to poison our minds! I will tell you; this does not happen overnight. It is a discipline that we must practice. Through His strength, we commit Bible verses to memory. We pray more. We fix our eyes on the Lord instead of ourselves. We begin to recognize when we are responding in our flesh in thought or action versus responding in God’s Spirit.

The Lord graciously delivered me from my pain (literally)…and I’m still hearing music.

Growing in Grace

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Why Now?

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As this study draws near to closing, I find myself reflecting on many things that took place while I was in Falling in Love Again with Your Lord. I dealt heavily in areas of feelings and asking God, “Why?” “Why are you doing this now?” was a really big question I had during this study. I am convinced that He brought me to a place during this study where all I would focus on and need was His sustaining love and the words of His truth. There were areas uncovered in the deepest parts of my heart I wanted to hide, but they had to be confronted if this love was to be real. What I would learn through this all was that He keeps me, loves me, and cares for me, and wants to create in us all a faith that can stand against any trial and test we may face.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)

I struggled with many things during this study. Here are a few:

-Trying to earn or control His love

-Keeping Him at a distance so I wouldn’t have to open up in certain areas of my life

-Holding others in contempt

-Wanting to be heard or wanting to be justified

-Letting go of my desires in life (a name for myself, power, position)

-Fear of what He would take from me (husband, no children)

-Finding out I didn’t trust Him because I felt as though I had been betrayed by Him

Have you heard that saying, “When it rains it pours”? No joke, these struggles were almost all at once. I couldn’t hide anymore, and I think above all, this was the most uncomfortable: People were seeing me struggle. These weren’t situations I could hide or deal with privately. I was exposed. I don’t like being vunerable and this is right where He had me—vulnerable and open. It would not be wise to tell you this walk with the Lord is easy. If you ask Him to change you, He will, and the trials will come. Who we place our hope and trust in will make all the difference in the end, and it took major adjusting to place my eyes on Christ. I am still adjusting…every day.

I wanted to share with you what I shared with the ladies one Tuesday night:

Right now, to say “He is completely in control” despite what my eyes can see, is clearly His grace being poured upon me in this study. Through trials and tribulations I would abandon any trust in Him and question everything. I couldn’t see beyond the feeling of betrayal I let lead me. He is taking me to a place where instead of asking, “Why?” it is as though I can feel Him molding me. There will be days when you hurt, when you cry, and when you feel everything BUT love. But I am telling you, we can’t be tempted to follow this. We have to stop and go to Him confessing out loud that we don’t know how to count it all joy. In His time, He will pour out His grace and it will be sufficient.

All for His Glory

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I Can’t Do This On My Own

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In so many different ways lately the Lord has been reminding me of the truth that this world I live in now is not my home. I am just passing through. If you are in Christ, you are just passing through this world too. We are here for God’s glory and His purposes alone. All of our circumstances, all of our trials, are ALL for His glory. That’s been the theme of teaching the past few weeks in our Falling in Love Again with Your Lord study and also what I’ve been learning about in my church. I don’t know about you, but that truth is so easy for me to write and say I believe, but it’s a whole different thing to really live it out. Here’s a prayer I prayed to the Lord recently, crying out for His help, because apart from Him I can do nothing. Apart from Him you can do nothing. Be encouraged that none of us can do this on our own, but cry out to the Lord with me to live for His glory alone.

Lord, it’s so easy for me to say right now this world is not my home and I’m just passing through. It’s easy for me to even feel that truth to be true. Lord, I really, really want to know and would love to feel this truth to be true because that would make it easier when my kiddo wakes up from his nap early and I had more things I wanted to get done. I want to believe it when I’m sitting in traffic for an hour with a screaming, hungry baby or when a friendship is hurt and it takes time to get back to normal. I want to believe it when all I want to do is sleep for 15 more minutes instead of getting up for my time with you. And, Lord, I want to believe it when the big trials come too. Even as I pray this I see the focus on myself and the ingratitude as no major trial is going on in my life right now, but things just aren’t “perfect.” And of course not “perfect” by my definition of the word. Lord, I want to live by this truth and I have no ability to. I want to set my mind on things above, where my life really is. I need you, Lord. Please have mercy, for your glory.

Planted for His Glory

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