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Have you ever looked around and wondered, how did I get here? Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes you stop and just say, “Wow, thank you, Jesus.” I did the other day.

To give you a little back story on this. In September 2016 it will be exactly two years since I sent the first e-mail to sign up for a Tuesday night Bible study with Thistlebend. My dear sister-in-law first mentioned this study when we were visiting my father-in-law and playing around with the kiddos on the golf course. I know I may be telling you simple details, but it was a moment I will never forget. I even remember it being on a Sunday afternoon. It was hot out. I was thinking about how much I didn’t like to hang out at a golf course (I despised it, actually). My husband and I had just got done arguing. When I look back on this time I am not surprised that I never knew and was blind to the following things about myself:

A. I wasn’t really walking with the Lord (even though I grew up in church my whole life).

B. My life didn’t reflect a walk with the Lord (even though I was going to church and trying to do good).

C. I needed to change (even though I don’t think even my sister-in-law knew just how little hope I had left at the time in my walk with Christ).

I remember feeling so prideful while she was telling me about Thistlebend. “Like, she must think I don’t know a thing about Jesus.” I was so silly. But immediately I didn’t want her to think that I took this so personally. So I responded with, “Yes, I know I need some more Jesus, girl!” I was trying to play off how embarrassed I was that maybe she could see that I was not doing so hot in my walk with the Lord. It was my attempt hiding my serious response with some funny response to her.

I was at such a crossroads of bitterness in my life with God that I didn’t want anyone to really know how bad off I was when it came to my faith. I didn’t want her to think that she had somehow put me on the spot, but I was ashamed and maybe my lack of faith was starting to show. During this time in my life, I felt wounded in some way. I didn’t even feel connected to Him. But there was this battle on the inside because I knew feeling this way wasn’t right. So, when she invited me I didn’t want to say, “No! I am mad and bitter at God right now.” I wanted to save face. But while part of me wanted to stay mad at the Lord, the other part of me wanted to see what it was all about.

During this conversation she said something that stuck with me. Something I even say now when I talk about this ministry. She said it was about, “Learning how to practically apply the Bible to your everyday life…” For some reason this statement was like a light bulb. This is what I had been missing. I think now, it was the Holy Spirit. But what if I am too far gone, I thought? I felt lost. I was hurting. But I was also curious.

Here is the best part! When she said it was a group of women ONLY who met on Tuesday nights, I wanted to curl up in a ball and say, “Oh, you know what? I have a prior obligation.” Seriously, you mean to tell me that I would have to share my life with other women? Uhm… No thanks, I’ll pass. But, I was torn because part of me wanted to see how they would help me apply the Bible to day to-day life. I was wanting to see how they said to practically walk it out. The other half of me was angry about my relationship with God. And I didn’t want to reveal that to and be transparent with women who I thought (for a number of reasons) were going to judge me. Let’s just say I grew up with the phrase, “What goes on in my house, stays in my house.” So I wasn’t so keen on sharing any of my struggles with these other women. It pretty much boiled down to the fact that I thought no one could relate to me. I was in this place in my life where I was super bitter.

That next morning, despite myself, I said out loud, “Why not?” What is the worse that could happen? My sister-in-law warned me that it was work, it wouldn’t be what I was use to, and it would require my time. I semi took this as a challenge as well. My pride, as you can see, was a major issue. I sent the e-mail. They were so nice to me, but leading up to this first Bible Study I began to have anxiety about it all. I could not believe what I was doing. I don’t know about you, but I always use to get along with men a lot better, or so I told myself (which is illogical and inappropriate now that I am married). I always thought that women were so judgmental.

But I never knew what true Christ-like fellowship with other women would be like. So I had nothing to base this new experience off of. I never placed myself on the path of change before. I mean I had only one best friend that was a girl. We went dancing all the time, partied a lot, and now she had a baby. She had different beliefs. I was married and heavily struggling in my beliefs. So I am sure the Lord knew it was time for me to step out on what little bitty faith that I had left.

When I look back on all this I see that my pride came with fear. Fear that I would be judged. Fear that I would not be able to make friends without doing something like partying or drinking. Fear that I would have to actually maintain possible friendships with people and be held accountable. Fear that I wouldn’t be able to hide anymore. I will be the first to tell you, I don’t like being held accountable because that means I have to be open. When you are open, you have to let people in, and when you do this they see you for who you truly are. When people see you for who you truly are, there is a vulnerability that makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak. But through the years I have learned that pride and fear kept me from asking the Lord to sort through my mess. Fear kept me from asking Him to break away those parts of me. The fear of everything being stripped away from me by the Creator was terrifying.

The first night came, and it is still a joke my sister-in-law and I laugh about to this day. That night I was so scared. I was feeling so small. I was so nervous that I began to sweat. Yes, ladies you read that right! No lie, I was sweating and I was nervously laughing with her about it all. I had my preconceived notions, and I met some ladies that were outwardly everything I expected. Well put together and seemingly perfect. But through these last two years these women have shattered every notion. God has used so many of the woman in this ministry to break my every assumption about the typical “Christian” woman. I have gone from thinking about different individuals that first night, “She is going to be mean; she seems too perfect; she is going to judge” to calling them personal friends. God was so gracious to me. He was so gentle with me and allowed me in these two years to grow and work in the garden of my heart. Never, never, never in a million years would I have believed it if you had told me that I would be meeting once every other week with them, seeing them every Tuesday, and grabbing coffee, or fellowshipping with them at dinner. I would have thought you had the wrong girl. I didn’t know it was something I ever needed or wanted. I never thought I would be thanking the Lord for blessing me with Christ-centered fellowship with women.

The other day I was at the baby shower of one of my dearest girlfriends. I remember standing in the kitchen at the baby shower and when I looked up I saw these faces that I thought I would never share in such memories with. In that very room were some women God had especially used to grow me. There were areas I didn’t want fixed, and areas of my life that I didn’t know needed work. After leaving her baby shower I began to cry in the car on the way home. I didn’t think being friends would be possible.

I once thought being transparent meant being open about areas that should not be open to others. Who would have thought that being transparent is freeing but that it also brings healing? Even though I struggle to be fully open on some days, I would have never thought that I would pray for more of it. I was just telling the same sweet friend recently: “I never just want to be in a state where I have a false sense of spiritually anymore. I never want to think that I know what is best for me. Or what would/would not work for me. This transparency is a true struggle at times, but if that means staying humble, and if it helps one person then to God be the glory.”

I didn’t think I could have women in my life whom I would come to love and walk arm in arm with on this walk with Christ. We hinder ourselves at times by being so guarded. We see time with other Christian women as an opportunity to compare, to compete, or to freely give ourselves a pass to not be honest with one another because of shame, pride, or fear. I am so guilty of this. But from the things I didn’t think possible to the things that are yet to be, He has His hand in this all. I believe that.

This week there was a verse I saw that reminded me of God’s sovereign reign in our lives and how He knows all things and works them all out. From before being born into this world, until my death. This Scripture is a reminder of that. It is a reminder that He knows all I need and when I need it. It is okay that we don’t know everything there is about life or what God has planned for it. It is enough to simply trust that His timing is perfect. To simply trust that He is guiding in the work that is your heart. And when the time comes each little blessing is like a flower that will show you the beauty of who He is, and what He will reveal about himself in this.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time…” (Eccl. 3:11).

All for His Glory

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Heavenly Father,

These are your words. This is your gospel. The good and great news that there is freedom and forgiveness and grace and mercy for sinners who deserve nothing but condemnation, eternal punishment, wrath and anger.

You are all powerful! You rule over all. You are King. You stood as King at the flood. There is nothing that happens outside of your control. All is yours. “The king’s heart is a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; he turns it wherever he will” (Prov. 21:1).

Father, forgive me. I do not trust you or your will for my life. I want to control my life and my family — I only want the easy way, the way with no suffering. Please give me a truly submissive heart that is not hasty, not prideful, not arrogant, but slow to speak, slow to become angry, and quick to listen, consider, and pray. Give me your heart of compassion and love. I think I’m right and my way is best, but that is totally false! A total deception. The sum total of all that I don’t know could fill a million universes.

Please help me trust you and love you with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love others as myself.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Learning to Live in the Garden of Grace

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I prayed the following prayer several mornings ago, “Lord, thank you for another day. Thank you that I can trust you fully…” I continued journaling but heard a quiet whisper in my spirit, “But do you really trust me?” I ignored the whisper as I continued praying thanks to the Lord but the whisper wouldn’t go away. The Lord was asking me if I really trusted Him.

Control. You see, this is something I long to have, I cling to, and find comfort in way too often. I want to control my day, my schedule, my routine, my husband, and my circumstances. Oftentimes I feel I am able to do so — I am able to control how much I get done in a day because I fight to make sure everything gets checked off my to-do list. Yet, there are other days when the Lord sweetly and gently reminds me that although it can feel like I have everything under control, it only takes one small thing to knock everything off track. When I surrender and trust the Lord in everything, my desire for control disappears and I am able to rest.

Last week my husband and I had looked at a house we really liked and we decided to make an offer on it. We were excited and nervous about the possibility of moving but the excitement didn’t last long as we quickly heard that there were already multiple offers on the house and several were over listing price. I felt that desire for control creeping up in me again as I heard that news. Two days later the Lord provided me with one of those days again as I received some bad news from the doctor. I am generally a pretty healthy person, I try to eat right, exercise, and have tried to follow the rules when it comes to pregnancy the past 8 months. Yet, receiving some news from the doctor that was unexpected and completely out of my control reminded me that we can do all the right things and yet we, in our own strength, truly have no control.

About a year ago my family decided to make Psalm 103 a part of our family mission statement. The beginning goes like this :

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. (Psa. 103:1-5)

It is the Lord who provides, heals, redeems, crowns, and satisfies. So why do I so often try to get it all done on my own? I try to provide for myself by working hard and putting my best foot forward. I try to heal myself by following all the “rules” given to me. I try to redeem myself by checking my quiet time off my list, going to church each week, and volunteering.

Psalm 103 goes on to say:

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him. For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust. (Psa. 103:11-14)

God knows how we are made — He was the potter. God knows we came from the dust, we are frail, easily falling into temptations and the ways of this world. I am reminded through this Psalm of my need for the Lord. Although my flesh doesn’t like to admit where I am weak, although my flesh doesn’t like boundaries and rules to protect me from the sins I so easily fall into, I know that I need them. How great is our God that it is He who forgives, heals, redeems, crowns, and satisfies me as His daughter. May I humble myself before the Lord and boast in my weakness. I am thankful that I am weak because He is strong. I can cry out to the Lord in my despair, sadness, and weakness and confess that I cannot do it on my own.

But the steadfast love of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him, and his righteousness to children’s children, to those who keep his covenant, and remember to do his commandments. The Lord has established his throne in the heavens, and his kingdom rules over all. (Psa. 103:17-19)

I am thankful today that God rules over all. That He cares about my life — from the smallest detail of my life to the bigger things like loving the baby in my womb more than I do. I am also thankful that He is patient and gentle to remind me that my job is to trust Him, to relinquish control, and to trust that His kingdom rules over all.

Standing on the Word