Have you ever felt like you just haven’t done much with your life? Have you ever prayed, “God am I ever going to be more than what I am now?” I have been in a struggle with these two thoughts all week long. I know, I know, I just blogged about giving my dreams and stuff over to the Lord. But this question has been weirdly at the source of every ill feeling this week. Let me be real here, sin will never go away. I think if it weren’t for Thistlebend, this week would be one of beating myself up and thinking, “I thought I gave it to the Lord, why am I thinking about it? I must not have meant it when I confessed it.” I am glad to understand that because we live in our flesh, the struggle with sin won’t really end until we are reconciled with God.

I think it all started when I began to wonder if I had reached the pinnacle of what I would accomplish in my life. It sounds really silly to say, and everyone will be quick to remind me of my youth. But I feel as though so much has happened in my life thus far. I have noticed this week that my spirit has been down about it. I have been even more concerned that God wouldn’t use anything I have to offer for His good. I have been so hung up on “my purpose in life.” I know I should speak truth to myself and be in the Word, but I have found myself too busy or in the “I will do it later” mood. I think after looking back, this is what I find most striking about it all. I knew how to be healed, but I didn’t want to be. Is that because if I let this go, it is in a way letting myself go? I know it sounds trivial. But am I really that prideful and self-centered? Yes, I am. Because here’s the thing I am learning about myself through this walk with Christ: I have to drop myself if I want to be truly committed to Him. And this is what has been bothering me. At the root of all this questioning, I find that I am scared to be “nothing.”

I wish I didn’t struggle with this because it is so self-focused. But I share this because I think at the end of the day, people like myself feel that when we accepted Christ there would be this magical moment when everything would immediately change. These kind of thoughts would never happen, and you would go about your purpose that God has now given you in life. I always pictured someone snapping their fingers when I thought about what it would be like if I asked the Lord into my life. And that is not always the case, you won’t necessarily feel those things, and there are sins in your life that won’t immediately stop. There are even things you have done for YEARS that you won’t even know to be sinful. I am just to the point where I have realized that I am not comfortable with having only my husband provide because even that has been making me feel like, well, I want to be something too. I want people to know me too, I want God to use me too. Just typing this out makes me cringe. But I am learning that I feel the need to be something in order to be satisfied in life. I don’t like that, and it is embarrassing to even confess.

I get it. It is more apparent than ever why being a true Christ follower is not easy. Everything in us wants to do everything–except have the gospel reflected and deny self.

I have been thinking of Adam and Eve lately. I can relate. The whole “I am not okay with the gifts God has blessed me with physically and spiritually” reminds me of them. It is a peek into how dissatisfied I am with what God has already given me, and how I want more. I am not seeing that I should be content with what He has done for me. Instead I am willing to go around Him in order to seek whatever “it” is or whatever this physical worldly life has to offer in order to feel like I am somebody or I have a purpose. I think this is why I have been struggling with the gifts that God has blessed me with and feeling like they are such minute gifts that could never make an impact.

“Needing” to make an impact makes me struggle with pride. I don’t want to feel this way. I know I have the tools to help me combat this in the Lord’s strength. It is a matter of fear and pride. I know if I let myself go to Him, He won’t make me literally disappear. I have to constantly put my flesh to death moment by moment. I need to stop and make a plan and remind myself.

Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” He has a plan for my life and even if that life is not the one I wanted to design for myself, I need to stop. I need to just trust. This is so much easier to type out, but applying it is what I need to do.

All for His Glory