Confessions of a Pack Rat

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I had thought that I lived with a beautiful family of five,
Until I realized there was another living inside.
He’s here, he’s real, and he’s rather large;
Taking up way too much space in my mind, my heart, and even my garage.
He was tricky, I have to say. I did not see him coming my way.
He masquerades as light and fun, but the reality is he steals my attention.

His name is Clutter. And he is not pretty.
I did not ask him to join our family.
When did he arrive? How did I let this happen?
Why did I not realize what was going on?
How could I have been so blind for so very long?

Well, it’s time for Clutter to leave.
It’s time to make room for Another.
Because He is the one who deserves my time, not Clutter.
How can I get rid of him? Do I ask him nicely?
“I never wanted you here, so now you’ve got to go,” I say politely.

Now I’ve tried to be nice, but it just isn’t working;
For this is a battle and I must do some fighting.
The good news is I am not alone;
My King is sitting on His throne.
And He is simply waiting for me
To ask for His help to set me free.

Can I let go of Clutter? Do I want to be free?
How badly do I want to live my life abundantly?
Clutter has been with us for so very long;
But now it’s time my heart sang a brand new song.

I am ready; it is time. My King has waited so patiently.
He knows where I’ve been and exactly what I’ve done
And yet, He still loves me and forgives me. He is the One.
He is the light and He wants my all in all.

He wants my strength, my heart, my mind and my soul.
You see, He’s my creator and He made me with a goal.
To give Him all the glory and to tell others of His story.

Goodbye Clutter, you’ve had your run.
For now it’s time to usher in the One,
The one true God, who is full of light and life.
He wants my best, my all in all.
He wants my life, for that is His call.

And so, here we are, and I can finally say,
Welcome home, Lord Jesus, please show me the way.
Please come and take your place as King of my heart
So that others may see your grace and receive a brand new start.

Learning to Live in the Garden of Grace

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A Prayer for Healing

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Lord, I oftentimes wonder why you allow things to happen. The past 24 hours for example — you allowed me to trip while holding my two month old. You allowed a fractured skull. You allowed a fractured elbow. You allowed a nail in our tire the same day we are walking through all of these other things. You see all and have control of all, so why did you allow this to happen to my family? Especially after a major scare with our baby two weeks ago. I was just done surrendering my fear to you over that situation and now we’re here again.

I feel like I am in a pit. I humbly confess that I want to trust you, but I am crippled with fear, guilt, anxiety, shame, and worry. I am fearful that something else will happen completely out of my control. It feels irresponsible to not worry as I’m walking through this journey. It would feel crazy to not fight for control. I feel like I should have no more tears, but yet more still come. Goodness I am hurting, Lord.

You have lead me to Psalm 30. David is calling out to you and asking for help during a time when he was sick. He said, “O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me” (v. 2). I cry out that same request. I am not physically ill but emotionally and spiritually drained. And yet even as I am praying this prayer, I know that several friends are praying for me, and I feel the Holy Spirit closer than ever. I know you are near to me. You tell us that you hear our cry. Oh I know you are listening. My pride tells me to act like I have it all together, to not admit that I am even disappointed that you allowed this to happen, and yet I know that you know my heart. I cannot hide the truth from you Lord, and I don’t want to. I want to lay it all there. Search my heart. Use this to teach me that we don’t always have to understand your plan, we don’t have to get what you’re doing, and we just have to walk forward in faith. Help me to walk forward. Help my head and heart to truly mean it when I say that I am walking forward trusting you.

My husband keeps telling me that I have to actively choose faith over fear. Lord, will you help me do that? Help me to not make my daughter an idol. Help me to trust you and you alone. Like David said in Psalm 30, “Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me! O Lord, be my helper! You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory my sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever” (vv. 10-12). Amen.

Standing on the Word

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Openly Sharing My Faith

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I have noticed more than ever that I have been openly sharing my faith. I remember a time when I would get nervous just to share anything that had to do with my faith. I can vividly recall moments when I had this huge obstacle I felt like I could never get over because I was always feeling as though I could never articulate why I even believed in Christ. Also, I felt as though maybe I shouldn’t open my mouth from the fear of someone openly disagreeing with me. I feel a need to please people and to be liked by all. This need to please was always more of a pressing matter to me and made me concerned to experience even an ounce of push back for being a Christian. So I just always kept my faith to myself, more or less.

But these days, somehow the topic ALWAYS comes up. It has been with everyone! My barista, favorite local business owners, family members, the waitress at our favorite breakfast spot, and friends. It has been absolutely bizarre to me; it’s becoming a nearly everyday thing. I wanted to share one moment in particular.

My husband and I are past the point of being regulars at a nearby restaurant we love for breakfast. We also have a favorite waitress who I know for a fact we have never conversed with on the topic of faith. When I always imagined those conversations, they go like this: “Hey, do you know Jesus? Would you like to?” Or “Do you know about a man who came on earth and died for your sins?” Now I am not mocking anyone, but I have good reason to picture it this way. As a child I remember my father taking us to get fresh hot donuts nearly every Saturday so we could hand them to people as an introduction to start talking about Jesus. This usually came with a little piece of paper called a “track” that had the Ten Commandments or the story of Jesus on them.

When I got older I never did anything so bold. I didn’t have it in me. But the minute we sat down for breakfast a few days ago, I strongly felt the Holy Spirit placing it on my heart to ask our favorite waitress if she was okay. Sure enough, she had been having an extremely emotional, rough, scary month. I felt the Holy Spirit really wanting me to just sit and listen–not jump in to talk–but to listen. When she was done, I did something I have never done in my adult life. I asked her if I could pray for her and which specific things I could pray for. I found a pen and paper in my purse and I started to get a list together. She didn’t seem put off at all by this. She was willing to tell me these things, and the entire time in my head I am saying, “Holy Spirit, lead and guide me in this.”

There were people around us, but I didn’t care anymore. In that moment, like a lot of other moments this week and the last, the topic of my faith has come up in this manner. Lately my prayer has become, “Father, if an opportunity presents itself to speak about you, help me not be afraid. Lead and guide me in every way. Let me talk less and listen more. Help me to have the courage. Be with me.”

There may always be moments when we care more about what others will think of us than anything else. When we feel as though we should be sharing, but we don’t, and the opportunity to share with someone is missed. I use to wait until I felt the time was right or until I thought I was safe enough to say something, and I still struggle with this. If it weren’t for the constant nudge out of my comfort zone lately I would be “keeping my faith to myself” still. But I have been thinking about Isaiah 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.”

I just want to take a moment to thank Him for not giving up on me and not being ashamed of me, as I have been of Him. It makes me cringe to think about it, but it’s being truthful. Now I must be obedient to His Word and not fret over what the world may say or what people I knew may think of me. I want others to feel and taste how sweet it is to be loved beyond the word unconditionally. If I am being used to help someone see this love in Christ, then who am I to say, “No, I am too shy about this.” And even if it all starts out with a simple request to pray, then so be it. I am willing, Lord.

All for His Glory

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