When You Feel Unnoticed

I may have gotten in one of the dumbest arguments ever with my husband last night. I’ll spare you the details, but we argued over who watered the ferns last summer. Yes, you read that correctly, insert monkey covering his eyes emoji here!

We’re almost finished with our most recent study Jesus, I Need You this semester and the Lord has opened my eyes greatly to the deep rooted unbelief that’s still in my heart and the idolatry of myself. I am thankful. I need to say that again for my own heart to remember—I am thankful. I’m thankful to see the ugliness in my heart, because it reminds me of the truth, that apart from Him I can do nothing (John 15).

About a year ago I was in small group going through the Falling In Love Again With Your Husband study and confessing to my small group that I didn’t want to submit to my husband and wash off the dishes before I put them in the dishwasher because the dishes get clean either way. Most nights my husband won’t know that I’ve done what he’s asked or not. My Abigail said to me, “But God knows.” I brushed it off, “yea, yea, I know, but I want my husband to notice, I want him to know that I’m sacrificing for him, so that he can thank me/praise me for it” is what I thought to myself.

As I’ve gone through our current study I keep being reminded of that brief few minutes in small group over a year ago. Last night I fought to the death over the fact that I watered the ferns last summer. I hated the thought of my husband taking credit for something that I did. As I thought more about why in the world I would argue about something so insignificant I realized my fear of not being seen, noticed, being lost in a sense, was appearing to become a reality as my husband didn’t see something that I took time to do every other day. My fears of not being known, no one caring, all came crashing in on my mind and so I fought about who watered the ferns in an effort to say “see me,” “praise me,” “love me.”

Side note before I continue on—my husband loves me dearly. I know this. He sees me and he does appreciate me, but I was seeking something from him that night that he was never meant to have to fill for me. And if I’m being totally honest here, I think he watered the ferns more than me, insert two emojis of monkeys covering their eyes here. What a gift even an argument over watering ferns can be when it opens my eyes to deep unbelief in the One who loves me perfectly and draws me nearer to Him in the process.

Going back to my Abigail’s comment about God knowing I started to wonder why that wasn’t a bigger deal to me. Why do I feel like I always need to cross off a to-do list, accomplish, produce? A recent question in our Jesus, I Need You study was something along the lines of what is my primary goal each day? I answered with crossing off a to-do list. If I don’t accomplish something or have something to show for my day then there’s not even an option of being recognized. I see my flesh yearning to be seen and praised so that it can feel pacified, at peace for the moment in another humans’ acknowledgment. This leads to unrealistic expectations placed on my husband and inevitably my children later. This leads to disappointment if something isn’t noticed or hurt feelings when I have to bring attention to myself and shame when I feel like I’m “fishing” for a compliment. I see my selfishness as I’m focused on myself, seeking peace, comfort, love, approval, rest, in all the wrong places and the unbelief as I choose to not believe that there’s a real person this can be found in.

“All of us like sheep have gone astray…” (Isaiah 53:6). This verse has been in our kitchen all month, right in front of my face each day at lunch time as I practice it with my son. Oh how quickly my feelings can lead me astray and justify the way I feel, justify the silly arguments and the things I feel I “need.” Even far enough astray to see the truth right in front of me in my kitchen, but not have ears to hear this truth and see the reality of myself as a sheep.

Sadly the argument about who watered the ferns went into the morning as I just let my feelings and lies in my mind spiral farther and farther down into my deep idolatry of self—woe is me, I’m not loved, no one cares what I do, I’m not appreciated. I was lost in my own head.

I prayed to the Lord telling Him how lost I felt. That was the first time I’d even verbalized feeling lost, which I believe was His grace in and of itself. The parable of the lost sheep came to mind.

“Now the tax collectors and sinners were all drawing near to hear him. And the Pharisees and the scribes grumbled, saying, ‘This man receives sinners and eats with them.’ So he told them this parable: ‘What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, ‘Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.’ Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance” (Luke 15:1-7).

Over the past 20 months of motherhood thus far I’ve had more opportunities to not be recognized. I come from the business world where goals are set, goals are met and then praised. Now, I could easily go a whole day, a whole week, and have nothing to show for it. I’ve fought this reality, but the Lord is allowing me to see that this is truly a gift. I believe the Lord said to me the other day, “I don’t show you your sin so that you can do better, I show you your sin so that you can love me more.” It’s a gift to lean on Him and learn to love Him more. It allows me to ask the question and really seek what the truth is about how God sees me, what He thinks in moments that no one else will ever see, let alone praise. He’s giving me desire to draw nearer to Him, to thirst of Him, my true love. It allows me by His grace to put what I say I believe into practice. What will I choose to believe when I feel lost and unnoticed? Whose words will matter more?

I’ve been so convicted over my self-focus towards my family and those in my life. I constantly feel feelings of “they have no idea how much I already do.” My initial thoughts about that are to say “ok how do I fix this? I will serve in this way this week, reach out to this person this week, etc.” This isn’t lasting and again all for myself. Instead, resting in the true love I have been given, believing in His love, in the Gospel, allows for a true love for my husband and children and others overflowing from the love lavished on me instead of unrealistic expectations of needing their recognition always.

I’ve been trying to steal God’s glory for myself, but really glorifying Him is the goal. From the Westminster catechism, what is the chief end of man? To glorify God and enjoy Him forever.

I want to know what God thinks of me. I want to know how He sees me. How He loves me. And I want to believe it with my all. To know this, I must know Him. It really is all about Him. What grace the Lord is giving me in this season where I see that maybe nobody else is going to see what goes on during a day except Him, but seeing that He is going to be all that matters. I’m thankful to see this. I’m thankful to desire to pursue Him and seek this more, to seek and know the truth and am praying to continue to desire this, to continue to seek Him.

Lord please give me grace to say with Paul, “For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified” (2 Corinthians 2:2) and to believe that I will never be lost because my God is the good shepherd, “The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want” (Psalm 23:1).

Planted for His Glory

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Map to Victory

Kids today just don’t know the joy of maps, or hand-written directions.

I still remember being a passenger in the car and trying to help the driver navigate.  I’m the first to admit I am map-challenged.  GPS’s and Google Maps are awesome inventions and I am sure that arguments between drivers and passenger have had to decrease dramatically.  Of course we now have different problems, like making sure the driver is looking at the road in front of them and not staring at a screen.

Yesterday, I used Google Maps to find a business that was no longer where Google told me it would be.  The outrage!  In all seriousness, it gave me pause. I am so dependent on Google.  And I don’t question it.  I make a lot of decisions based on Google and my belief in my own abilities to navigate.

That is exactly what I have done this week.  Navigated a very hard and bumpy week on my own.

And I am left feeling broken, inadequate, and completely tapped out.

WHY do I do this to myself?  I know, I have heard, I BELIEVE that I can do nothing in my own strength, and yet, time and time again, I revert to my default, wrong thinking: I can do this.  I can push through.  I am a capable, intelligent, resourceful woman.  And in the moment, I think I’m actually doing it.  I’m going to make it.

Then I crash. Physically, emotionally, spiritually.  I’m not made to walk on my own.  None of us are.  There is no strength within me.  Whatever I have, whatever I am, my source of strength comes from the Lord (Psalm 121:1-3).

I fully relate to what Paul says in Romans 7:18-19 (NLT), “And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.  I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.”

That is how I feel when I hit bumps in the road.  And lately, there are large potholes everywhere!  Some days, I feel like I’m trying to avoid landmines.   I’m trying to walk around them instead of stopping and leaning on the Lord, who invites me into His loving arms and says: “Abide in ME” (John 15:13).

Why do I put my head down and push through hard times instead of putting my head down and praying?  As I write this, I acknowledge that I want to pray and seek the Lord before as I stumble through hard times.  But my flesh flares up, kicks up, and before I know it, I am doing what I don’t want to do: relying on ME.  There is nothing good that comes from that!

So what do I do?

First, I am so grateful for my Bible Study and the probing questions it asks.  It is through my “Taking the Truth to Heart” that I recognized some habits I have, habits I revert to, when I am stressed and heavy laden.  The Lord has been gracious to bestow growing wisdom, wisdom that comes from His Word alone.  He is training me up to cry out to Him vs. looking inward for a strength that doesn’t exist.

“Abide in me,” He says.  “And I will abide in you” (John 15:13).

Paul goes on to describe his state, “I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart.  But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death” (Romans 7:21-24 NLT)?

He then says,” Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord”  (Romans 7:25 NLT).

We are not left to deal with our sinful natures on our own.  Jesus Christ our Lord has paid the price for us.  He has overcome the world; we are victorious through Him.  But we must stay connected to Him, we must abide in Him.

One of my action items this week is to journal and ask God to show me the signs – when I begin to fall into one of my “old girl” habits.  I want to acknowledge my weakness before Him – before I try to fix my weakness on my own.  The Lord has given ALL of us an unfailing GPS – His Word.  May I follow HIS map and not my own.

Growing in Grace

 

 

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Laboring for the Lord

After a couple of months off, we are moving into our next season of Bible Study.  Our next study is called, Jesus, I Need You. The title alone describes how I feel!  I DO need Jesus!

At the beginning of every study, we do a week of orientation—we spend time reading and talking about why Thistlebend is structured the way it is, and what to expect from a Thistlebend study. Even though the information may feel repetitive for those of us who have taken Thistlebend studies, it is so helpful to be reminded of the mission of the ministry and framework of the studies. This time, I was reading through the Orientation Guide, re-visiting the SALT (submission, accountability, laboring, and transparency) model (a discipleship tool that Thistlebend follows with participants through their studies), when I felt I needed to linger over “laboring” a bit longer.

Philippians 2:12-13 says we are to: “work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.”  Our guide goes on to beautifully explain (and I am paraphrasing) that we are to “labor humbly with all diligence in devotion to prayer; in our study of God’s Word; in service; in obedience, in perseverance and diligence; in sound doctrine; and in repentance and faith.”

I know the Philippians 2 verses well.  It’s so helpful to understand that the pursuit of righteousness is not easy! For further clarification, I looked up these verses in different translations. The New Living Translation says it this way: “Work hard to show the results of your salvation, obeying God with deep reverence and fear.”  The Living Bible says: “you must be even more careful to do the good things that result from being saved, obeying God with deep reverence, shrinking back from all that might displease him.”

I like the phrase: “work hard to show the results of your salvation.” Work hard. It is work to devote time to prayer when so many other things clamor for our attention; it is work to serve others instead of ourselves.  It is work to be obedient to the Lord, to persevere, to adhere to sound doctrine, to live a life of repentance and faith.  It is work.  It is hard, especially because our sin nature yearns to be satisfied and in order to work out our salvation, we have to continually beat back the desires of the flesh. It is a constant battle. God, in His great provision for His beloved children, gives us His Spirit, His energy, His Word, His promises, and His Son to help us overcome, but we must have faith in Him to do the work.  And growing in faith takes work.  It takes time, energy, and effort, discipline and commitment to knowing the One in whom we have placed our faith.

As rich as Philippians 2:12-13 is in doctrine, in truth, it is the next sentence in our guide that pierced my heart most: “Laboring in pursuit of righteousness is by no means to earn favor with the Lord or with one another.”  We don’t work out our salvation to earn favor with God (Eph 2:8-9) and we don’t do it to impress others.

A couple of years ago, I would have said that I did not labor in pursuit of righteousness to earn favor with other people.  But in recent months, the Lord has been revealing to me that I DO care what others think.  I have had to confess that I said or did things to try to impress my sisters in Christ with my “labors.”  In fact, I have had to confess that my willingness to be transparent was sometimes grounded in a desire to be heard, not out of a desire to open my heart to the Lord.  I had to look carefully at my motives. I had to confess to the Lord that I sometimes did my Bible Study homework not out of love for and devotion to Him, but because I wanted the ladies in my Small Group to know I was doing my study. I was stunned by these revelations and felt sick at my shallowness.  Even worse, God revealed to me that Bible Study was an idol for me.  I prioritized Bible Study over Him.  On the surface, I looked like a Christian woman desiring to know God more deeply.  On the inside, I felt distant from God and hollow. I was not growing in relationship with God. I was simply completing a task.

This is really hard stuff to admit. But there is such freedom in confession! I have truly taken 1 John 1:9 to heart: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  Yes, God forgives.  But He is faithful to cleanse us, too.  He lovingly equips us to change.

It is my deep desire to complete this upcoming study with a spirt of humility and authenticity.  I am praying that the Lord would help me to labor for Him out of my love for Him.  I pray that I will take to heart the truth that I do not need to earn His favor, Jesus secured that for me.  I don’t need anyone else’s approval, I don’t need to compare myself to anyone else, I don’t need to be anyone else but the person God made me to be.

Have you ever had realizations about yourself with Bible Study or a particular way you’re living?

Growing in Grace

 

 

 

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