Sneaky Pride

Sneaky Pride

A while ago I made a commitment to contribute as a writer twice a month to the Bloom Blog. It has been a long time since I’ve written a blog. I had many reasons why I hadn’t written. One, I would tell myself “Today is the day I will write!” but not surprisingly, this would turn into the next day, which turned into another day, and then another, all due to various excuses I made. Two, I could not justify writing about an area in which I felt so weak. And three, I found other tasks and mindless ways to occupy my time which kept me from my writing commitment (TV, Phone, Social Media).

I share this with you not to announce that I have FINALLY written a blog, but to share how the Lord is using this season of my life to clearly illustrate that pride is sneaky!

Personal Revelation

A couple of weeks ago, I emerged from this ridiculous funk of having no desire to write. I wanted my blog posts to be “inspirational” or thought provoking, but felt I had nothing to contribute. I went from having a season of no inspiration and discouragement about writing, to feeling as though I could contribute SOMETHING! I thought “Now I am ready to write.” As I read the scripture passage from the Daily Light that evening, God’s Word was brought to life in a whole new way for me.

9 “And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10 so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; 11  being strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy; 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. 13 He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.”  ~ Colossians 1:9-14

Distraction

I picked up my Bible, turned to Colossians, and continued reading chapter one. As I poured over every word again, highlighter and journal in hand, I finally came to verses 15-29. I quickly realized there could be two blogs from these verses that would be packed with, what I thought, was worth-while head knowledge. But just as quickly as I became excited about my sudden inspiration, I burned out and became annoyed. Yes, I became annoyed while reading the Bible. I found myself distracted. “Just stop, wait a moment, read through it again” I told myself. I closed my eyes and tried to refocus my brain, but I could not. The studying and thought provoking quiet time I was having, started falling apart. Every thought I had for the blog fell out of my head as quickly as it had come.

Me-Focus

This was so frustrating! I felt like I could clearly articulate my thoughts on what I had learned from verses 1-14 and did not want to lose that. I could not be seen as not keeping my word regarding my commitment to the blog again! But unfortunately, my train of thought was gone and I found myself consumed with even more distractions. My brain felt foggy. I’ve felt so weak in writing my blog posts, feeling that nothing I write brings any new revelations for readers. I was so sure the Lord was going to allow some major “light bulb” moment so that I could once again contribute in the way I thought I needed to. When that didn’t happen the way I thought it should, the focus shifted from Christ to self.

I want so badly to feel that I am a strong writer, to be like my mentor and the people I admire. To be able to construct this masterfully worded perspective on a particular passage is something I deeply desired. Let me be real, a lot of times when I am not at the level I THINK I should be, I question- “Lord, why would you even have me involved in something where I am so weak?” The other thing I tend to do is flat out avoid any area where I feel weak.

So, in frustration I got up from my desk and asked the Lord for His grace and mercy to show me why I was struggling so much with this. Was there something I was missing? Was this His way of saying that I should not continue with this commitment? Almost immediately it came to my attention that I approached my time with Him not with eager expectation, but in pride. I have wrongly questioned the Lord and His plan for this commitment to which He has called me. I would even say I have wrestled and fought with it.

Complete Surrender

In His loving kindness, the Lord gently showed me why I struggled with obedience in this area of my life. I hate being weak. Like many people, I feel extremely uncomfortable being weak, vulnerable, exposed, or wrong. All of this outweighed my desire to fully surrender and allow the Lord to have all areas of my life—including a small commitment to contribute to the blog.

The Lord not only allows scripture to be revealed in a new light during different seasons of my life, but He will also constantly reveal my sin, showing me the areas I have knowingly or unknowingly resisted total surrender to Him. He does not do this for me to feel ashamed, but because of His deep love for me. You all, if He did not love me, He would not correct me. He could allow me to foolishly walk through life without correction. And you know what? God would be completely justified in doing so, He has no need for man’s pride.

Blinding Pride

The Lord mercifully showed me that my pride was impairing my vision and my mind. I could not see that I had taken this beautiful passage in the Bible and tried to use it in a way to promote self. I was prideful about my thinking that I had grown in understanding. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help fellow sisters and brothers in Christ by placing each other in remembrance of God’s word. However, I realized that doing so for the purpose of boasting or being ‘proud’ of my growth and understanding was wrong. When I do this, I am in serious danger of stripping away the message in scripture that points directly to Christ and what He has done for us on the cross. Sadly, I wanted to use this passage to show that I could be strong in an area where He has not necessarily called me to be the strongest. What I’m really called to do is simply to be obedient, and that is a good thing!

Not My Ability

In reading Colossians again, I humbly realized that despite myself, despite my futile human thinking, Christ still loves me. I can rejoice with gladness when I read how He has qualified me, a gentile, who had no claim to the promise God made to His people. It is only because Christ Jesus made a way! Despite my desire for man’s approval, I am loved deeply by my Savior and it is His approval alone for which I should be striving. Jesus came to earth, He lived, died, and rose again so that I can be counted among those who have been redeemed.

This saving grace is not based on my ability to write a blog, or be the most articulate student of the Word. It is not based on my ability in anything at all! It is an honor to serve the Lord in any way where He would have me lay aside self so that He alone is glorified. I want my prayer to be “Nevertheless, Your will be done in every area of my life.”

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Eph. 2: 8-9).

Blessings in Christ,

Thistlebend