Dealing with Anger, Part Two

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Previously I shared with you all that I would be writing a two part blog. I really just wanted you to be able to see my journey throughout this Heart of a Woman study in a way that wouldn’t be so overwhelming to read through. God has continued to reveal to me more about myself than I ever knew, and I am finding that there is so much I want to tell you. I want to make sure it comes out in a clear manner. I love you, and I am praying for you.

I don’t know about you, but for me focusing on my human capabilities happens so fast. I could be knee deep in a situation before I realize just how far I have gone. Often, I am finding that I was consumed with my desire to appease my flesh and to appease it quickly. I realized how easily and quickly my flesh makes itself known, and how quick I am to ignore doing right. Sometimes for me sin doesn’t feel terrible while acting in it. I think I described it in one of my blogs as “fitting like my favorite outfit.” It is important to confess that I had not sought the Lord in these moments, particularly this moment. The Lord was still so gracious to show me firsthand just how my tongue can cause strife in my home and hurt to the heart of my husband. I was able to see just how my egotism overshadowed the happiness and eagerness that had been building to spend time with my husband. Let me tell you, during those days of fasting God had been doing really beautiful things in my marriage. My husband and I had prayed together, spent quality time together, and these were prayers that the Lord so sweetly had answered for me.

For the reasons above, it would have been easy to sit there and feel defeated, like I just couldn’t help but ruin things. But I had to set aside my earthly ways, desires, and habits. I actually had to ask for His forgiveness. I have been doing that a lot lately because I have known better but walked in the way I wanted. But I also had to get on my knees and repent. Then I had to physically and mentally walk away from that sin. For me, this was/still is difficult because it is almost as easy as breathing to revert back to my flesh. But I wanted to combat this sin every time it comes up. So, I would like to share what this looked like for me. In Lessons 5-6 we were asked to find Scripture that specifically targeted our root sins and to mediate on them. For example:

Root sin: Anger, idolatry, jealousy

Scripture: Ephesians 4:26-31; Galatians 5:16-25

I enjoyed what the study said in Lesson 6, and I think it is important to keep in mind in the next couple of weeks, “We must stop doing what we normally do; we must get at the sin and remove the root.” As we continued Lesson 7, we still asked the Lord to show us the cause of our root sin. But now we were going to replace this root sin with a root of righteousness. This was also important because we now needed to change our thinking as well. I loved this because we are using tools to replace this kind of thinking with God’s Word:

Root of righteousness: Joy, love, patience

Scripture: 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8; 1 Peter 1: 3-12

Lessons 5 and 6 were hard because in my case I wanted to be able to still get stuff off my chest, or just let my husband know exactly how angry I was with him. But in Lesson 7, I committed to memory 1 Corinthians 13:4-13. Not only in the study was this requested, but I also wanted to have a plan as Laurie discussed in the lecture. I saw that I needed to be very intentional with my words and actions. I could not just say whatever I was thinking, but needed to truly give grace and forgiveness. I grew up hearing 1 Corinthians 13, but didn’t really do anything with that. It wasn’t until Lesson 7 that I decided that anytime I would feel anger, impatience, nagging, or strife coming, I would stop and in that moment start reciting that Scripture. Now for me, sometimes it is hard to focus on one thought. So I would even have to step into another room and pretend to do something in order to say this to myself. But I share this with you because you must take hold of every single thing you say and do! Otherwise you will keep doing whatever the flesh feels. I can’t tell you how many times after reciting this verse that I changed my mind about saying something to try and get under my husband’s skin. Now, there were a few instances where I failed, but even in those failures I was learning to turn my eyes to Christ and move forward. There was even a time when I confessed, “I can’t do this on my own, Father. Please give me strength. Help me to see that only through Christ Jesus can I accomplish this.”

When I think on how amazing our Father’s grace is towards me I am often brought to tears. We serve a living God! The only living God. He interacts with His creation freeing us to follow Him. I honestly and genuinely want to serve Him with my life. He gave His only Son’s life for me, and I want to live my life for Him. I am not perfect, but I want to pull up my sleeves and work in the garden of my heart. I want the Lord to pull all the weeds that have grown deep, and are taking up room for the harvest that could be there. I want everything from my life, my marriage, and my thinking to all be for His glory. I am encouraged by what the Lord is doing in my marriage and in my walk with Him. He has brought us such a long way.

I leave you all with this awesome quote from Lesson 8, “A Fruitful Harvest: Ongoing Weeding and Planting”: “Our reward for our faithful obedience here on earth will be great. Moses had his eyes fixed on heaven and the wonderful reward of trusting in God and investing by faith in an eternal harvest….The Lord wants to give us a passion for His vision. He wants to give us eyes to see the fields ripe for harvest! So often we look at things as they are and have a hard time seeing them as they could be and really believing that we can make a difference. The harvest begins with us.”

All for His Glory

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Dealing with Anger, Part One

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Since being a part of the Bible studies created through Thistlebend, I have been rocked to my core many times. There is no doubt that you are being pushed to search the parts of you that you would like to tuck away in private. I have questioned my walk, I have seen the fruits of obeying in the walk, I have labored in this study, I have been put through seasons of waiting patiently upon the Lord, and there have been times when I just didn’t feel like doing the work necessary to delight in this abundant life in Christ Jesus. But it all boils down to this: Am I serious about this relationship with Christ? Let me be the first to say, just doing the Bible studies and participating in them will not make a change unless you are doing what the Lord is calling you to do while He has placed you in the midst of this study. Some of the things you will be called to do during this study, Heart of a Woman, include taking a serious look into your heart, fasting, and laboring in the “garden of your heart.” I have broken this into two separate parts. I didn’t want to overwhelm you as a reader and hope you come back to read Part 2.

During Lesson 6 and 7 we spoke on the topic of repentance, and what it really looks like as a believer. I found this topic to be even sweeter as Easter has come and gone and we celebrated the resurrection of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. I have decided this week to share with you what repentance has looked like for me in the last few weeks of my life. Honestly, this last month or so has been the hardest of my entire marriage. I hope you know that normally this topic too I “tuck away in private,” but I truly know that the Lord can do and use all things!

So, I hope you read this and understand that I am a work in progress and that the Lord gets all the glory. I will first share with you the sin I struggle with the most, and hopefully that will explain why this topic has been put into the limelight on today’s blog. Focusing on Christ and His saving grace, not just leaning on human abilities, can truly mean the difference between having hope in the midst of trying to beat your flesh and feeling unchanging in it, at times even lost within it. If you have read the previous blogs, I am sure you can pick up on the sin I talk about most often, anger. But if not, anger is something I have dealt with. I would even go as far as to say, this used to characterize me at times. People may not say outright, “She is an angry person,” but they will definitely tell you I am very rough around the edges in some situations when I deemed it necessary.

Before I got into Heart of a Woman, I was confronted with wanting the Lord to truly move in my life, but really struggling to let go of my anger. This anger was really affecting my marriage the most. I would fuss and argue about wanting something to change in my marriage. But I was always pointing the finger at my husband as to why we weren’t doing as well as other couples we know. (Comparing is never good; you never know what is going on in someone else’s life). Honestly, if I am upfront, I feel so justified when I am angry that I didn’t feel in the beginning stages of being in Thistlebend Bible study that my anger was a big deal. It was just who I was, right?!

Repenting of my anger was never really a thought I took seriously until we started the fast. After being asked to pray about what the Lord would like us to fast, and praying over Psalm 139, this sin had started to be placed heavily upon my heart. I was shown how I am not slow to speak, at times so unforgiving, bitter, and too prideful (James 1:19-20.) I had begun to see that the fruits that I had been placing on my tree in the assignments had nearly all been produced by a root of this sin. At the time, I was starting to go home and find that I was longing for peace in my house. I wanted to do better! But at the same time I was seeing that I was bringing this unrest right inside the door with me. For the first time in my life, I would find that I would not just be giving up a food of some kind, but a sinful behavior so imbedded in my life.

Repenting took on a whole new meaning for me during the last few weeks. It wasn’t enough not to yell or get stuff off my chest, but it was seriously failing and saying “Okay! Pick up your cross and keep pressing forward!” It was having to consciously and intentionally watch every word I said, and asking for something I don’t ask for much from my husband…forgiveness. It was asking the Lord to take away my need to be heard, and replacing that with sitting alone with Him in silence and asking to be humbled. And oh was giving up control and feeling that lack of expression the hardest thing! Being made low so that He can be exalted is what we say we want, but it was HARD! I would literally stop in the middle of my day and find a place to get on my knees and say, “Give me the strength. Only in you can I take this head on. I can’t do this. I am so weak in this, and I can’t do this.”

I lasted three days before I gave in to my sin of anger, because I was upset that my husband did something I didn’t like. I gave in and just wouldn’t shut up about how I felt, what I wanted, and why I thought he should be sorry. I mean I was having a deep fall off the cliff of my sin. As a matter of fact, it was Tuesday night after the study. After the conversation was over, I was sitting down and thinking to myself how shameful I felt that I had let that happen. I wasn’t sure if I could get back up after failing. I didn’t think I could work through this again. At that moment the Holy Spirit sweetly reminded me of something Laurie said during the lecture. I am paraphrasing here, but essentially she said that we often measure what we can do in our human strength rather than understanding that we are called to do it through the strength of Christ Jesus. WOW! I am so grateful that He has left me with a Helper (John 14: 25-26) to remind me of these things. Thank you, Abba Father!

All for His Glory

 

 

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Planning for Repentance

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“Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad, for the tree is known by its fruit” (Matt. 12:33-34).

This week, one of our discussion questions asked us to read Matthew 12:33 and share whether we saw any similarities between ourselves and the Pharisees, who knew how to look righteous on the outside, but on the inside were full of sin.

I thought about one of my favorite pieces of fruit – an apple. Sometimes, the skin of an apple is bruised and I can surmise that the fruit on the inside has been affected. Other times, I buy a beautiful, shiny, bruise-free, red apple and bite into it, only to find it is not ripe or that it’s over-ripe. It’s such a disappointment! I want to taste a sweet and crisp fruit, and fully expect that, based on the apple’s appearance.

And then I thought…YES. As much as I wish it weren’t true, I see similarities between myself and the Pharisees. YES, I can clean up the outside; I can put on make-up, nice clothes, go to church, read my Bible, attend Bible studies, pray, and even fast — but the inside of my heart is sinful. And that is what the Lord looks at – my heart! “For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7).

This week, we are focusing on repentance. It’s actually not a difficult concept to grasp: in our hearts we are to turn away from our sins and turn toward righteousness. But doing it is a totally different matter.

Laurie asked us in our lecture if we really feel sorry for our sin. Do we grieve over it with godly sorrow or earthly sorrow? In other words, do we really want to turn away from it and replace our sinful behavior with righteous behavior, or do we just feel sorry we sinned – and that’s the end of it? When the feeling of being sorry fades, we go back to committing the same sin. Again and again. I know that I feel sorry for my sin. I know to confess my sin. I believe that if I confess my sins, God is faithful and just to forgive my sins (1 John 1:9). Psalm 103:12 says He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. Praise God for His plan of redemption through Jesus Christ!

However, if I want to replace my sinful heart-fruit with righteous heart-fruit, I must practice repentance. Laurie commented that as women, most of us know how to plan. So true! I know how carefully I plan for our vacations or for parties…even for dinner! Yes, I know how to plan. So, it’s time to develop a PLAN to turn my heart from my sinful behaviors. This week, I will prayerfully seek how God would have me do this. How will I take my thoughts captive? How will I replace my fear with faith? Will I post Scriptures in various places in my house? On my phone? Will I ask a friend to hold me accountable?

I will plan to replace the weeds I am pulling up with fragrant flowers. I want to walk through a verdant garden in my heart.

Growing in Grace

 

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