Areas of Surrender

Am I really willing to pick up my cross and carry it for Jesus?

After this week’s Heart of a Woman lecture, the following hymn came to mind: “I surrender all, I surrender all. All to Thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all.”

I was very convicted by Laurie’s lecture. She plainly asked us where we were challenged in our faith to put all of our hope and trust in Jesus. As I’ve meditated on this question, the Lord has been faithful to help me see the two biggest areas in my heart and life that I have not fully surrendered to the Lord.

The first is my children. I think about the passage in Scripture in Luke where Jesus says: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26). As a mother – like most mothers — this is very hard for me. As a stay at home mom, my “job” revolves around my family! They are ever-present in my thoughts. My time is largely devoted to laundry, cooking, cleaning, carpooling, doctor’s appointments, etc. I simply could not fathom life without them. I cannot imagine losing my children – or their love. They are 12 and 14. I feel like they need me. Loving them – and yes, being loved by them – is so very precious to me.

I know the Lord is not calling me to hate my children. But He IS calling me to consider my relationship with HIM for more important than my relationship with them. He is calling me to count HIS love as far more precious than their love. He is calling me to find my identity in HIM as His beloved child, not as a mother. I know He has abundantly blessed me with my children and I am so grateful for the privilege of being a mother. I also know in my HEAD that my children are not mine; they are His. But, in my earthly, (sinful) momma heart I (a) identify strongly with being a mother and (b) fiercely love my children. If I’m really honest, I see that I look to the love of my children (and husband) to sustain me – not Jesus’ love.

The other area of my life where I struggle to fully place my hope and trust in Jesus is my health. I struggle with chronic pain conditions that are sometimes debilitating and very discouraging. Instead of picking up this cross with my eyes fixed on the Lord, I “bow down” to my doctors, to medicine, to all the “things” I think will make me feel better. I do not pray before I turn to medicine or pick up the phone to call my doctor. I’ve even stopped praying for the Lord to heal me – truthfully, I am not sure I believe He will (Lord, help my unbelief!). I am afraid to give up this area of my life to the Lord. I am afraid I will get worse. I think I know what is best for me. I think I actually have some control over my health. Yet, I speak of God’s sovereignty, and in my head I believe He IS sovereign. In my heart, however, the weeds of the sins of self remain. I still sit on the throne of my heart, which is clearly NOT surrendered at all to my heavenly Father in this area of my life.

So…what do I do? The Bible tells us to confess our sin: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). I must confess that other relationships hold higher positions in my heart than He does. I am so sad to admit that! Secondly, I must confess that I think I know better than He does – the Lord Almighty, my Creator – regarding my health. I can’t believe I just admitted to such ugly pride!

And then…I know I must fix my eyes on Christ, every moment of everyday. When I am tempted to look to another person’s love to sustain me, I pray that in that moment, I would pray for God to remain the King of my heart; that no weed of sin would take root.

As Laurie said as she finished up her lecture… “If God is God, and I am not, what do I need to confess that makes me think and/or act as though I am the Lord of my life?” If I consistently ask this question, by God’s grace, I am praying He will grant me the desire to allow Him His rightful place as Lord of my life, and that I would truly surrender ALL.

Growing in Grace