A Prayer for Healing

THBBloomBlogLotus

Lord, I oftentimes wonder why you allow things to happen. The past 24 hours for example — you allowed me to trip while holding my two month old. You allowed a fractured skull. You allowed a fractured elbow. You allowed a nail in our tire the same day we are walking through all of these other things. You see all and have control of all, so why did you allow this to happen to my family? Especially after a major scare with our baby two weeks ago. I was just done surrendering my fear to you over that situation and now we’re here again.

I feel like I am in a pit. I humbly confess that I want to trust you, but I am crippled with fear, guilt, anxiety, shame, and worry. I am fearful that something else will happen completely out of my control. It feels irresponsible to not worry as I’m walking through this journey. It would feel crazy to not fight for control. I feel like I should have no more tears, but yet more still come. Goodness I am hurting, Lord.

You have lead me to Psalm 30. David is calling out to you and asking for help during a time when he was sick. He said, “O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you have healed me” (v. 2). I cry out that same request. I am not physically ill but emotionally and spiritually drained. And yet even as I am praying this prayer, I know that several friends are praying for me, and I feel the Holy Spirit closer than ever. I know you are near to me. You tell us that you hear our cry. Oh I know you are listening. My pride tells me to act like I have it all together, to not admit that I am even disappointed that you allowed this to happen, and yet I know that you know my heart. I cannot hide the truth from you Lord, and I don’t want to. I want to lay it all there. Search my heart. Use this to teach me that we don’t always have to understand your plan, we don’t have to get what you’re doing, and we just have to walk forward in faith. Help me to walk forward. Help my head and heart to truly mean it when I say that I am walking forward trusting you.

My husband keeps telling me that I have to actively choose faith over fear. Lord, will you help me do that? Help me to not make my daughter an idol. Help me to trust you and you alone. Like David said in Psalm 30, “Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me! O Lord, be my helper! You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, that my glory my sing your praise and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever” (vv. 10-12). Amen.

Standing on the Word

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The Secret to Praise and Thanks

THBBloomBlogRose

Over the weekend, the subject of praise and thanks kept coming up. It brought back memories of a time when I didn’t even know how to be in prayer and give any kind of sacrifice of praise and thanks to my King. I would get so down about it. I would get down on my knees and tell the Lord, “Abba Father, you are the creator of all things. How could I not have any more to say to you?” Honestly, when I would hear how eloquent others were with their sacrifice of praise and thanks to Him, I would just dread saying anything next. A little over a year and a half later, the study In the Garden was chosen for us to go over again at Thistlebend. I was excited because I was in a different place in my life, and maybe something that hadn’t stood out before would now. But I was also so anxious about having to be in a small group again where I would have to show how weak I was in the area of giving Him praise and thanks. (Even as I type this out, it is funny to read how much I cared what others thought of me when my focus should have solely been on my Savior.)

Something happened around the same time that our In the Garden study was announced. We were encouraged to read The Holiness of God by R. C. Sproul. Reading this book prior to the study is when it clicked for me! God is living, holy, and just; this same God loves me despite all of my sin. I believe my praise and thanks to God suffered greatly because I didn’t truly understand what I deserved as a sinner. It is sometimes thought of as too “harsh” to think of ourselves as deserving wrath from the Creator of all things, but it is true. I am so guilty of thinking and saying, “Am I so bad?” or, “Come on, I didn’t do anything that wrong to be punished by God.” It wasn’t until reading that book that the Holy Spirit gently pulled back my blinders and I understood what was so sweet about grace and mercy. I could finally open my mouth and say, “Thank you, thank you, Father, for not leaving me where I was,” and praising Him for His faithfulness. All the dots started to connect for me.

I remember the first night I ever went to a Thistlebend study two years ago. We were doing the study Jesus, I Need You. I remember saying aloud to the group, “I think it would be really amazing to be in love with Him. I want to know what that feels like. I want to be one of those people who say, ‘I am just so in awe of Him.’ I just want to feel that.” It took a while for me to get to that point because I didn’t understand the weight of my sins.

I praise and thank Him so differently now. When I look back on these times I see that I couldn’t rejoice in Him or rejoice in fully being saved because I could say with my mouth, “Yes, He saved me. Thank you for that,” but my heart and mind didn’t understand what this really meant. Now, when I read Scripture passages like Colossians 1:12-16, I feel compelled to be on my face before Him, because He delivered me. He could have let me perish in the state I was in, but He saw fit to pull me from the darkness. This is why my praise and thanks sound different now, this is why I am changed. It was nothing I did, it was only because He loved me first. He died so that I may live, and it is an honor to live for Him.

…giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities — all things were created through him and for him. (Col. 1:12-16)

All for His Glory

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Openly Sharing My Faith

THBBloomBlogRose

I have noticed more than ever that I have been openly sharing my faith. I remember a time when I would get nervous just to share anything that had to do with my faith. I can vividly recall moments when I had this huge obstacle I felt like I could never get over because I was always feeling as though I could never articulate why I even believed in Christ. Also, I felt as though maybe I shouldn’t open my mouth from the fear of someone openly disagreeing with me. I feel a need to please people and to be liked by all. This need to please was always more of a pressing matter to me and made me concerned to experience even an ounce of push back for being a Christian. So I just always kept my faith to myself, more or less.

But these days, somehow the topic ALWAYS comes up. It has been with everyone! My barista, favorite local business owners, family members, the waitress at our favorite breakfast spot, and friends. It has been absolutely bizarre to me; it’s becoming a nearly everyday thing. I wanted to share one moment in particular.

My husband and I are past the point of being regulars at a nearby restaurant we love for breakfast. We also have a favorite waitress who I know for a fact we have never conversed with on the topic of faith. When I always imagined those conversations, they go like this: “Hey, do you know Jesus? Would you like to?” Or “Do you know about a man who came on earth and died for your sins?” Now I am not mocking anyone, but I have good reason to picture it this way. As a child I remember my father taking us to get fresh hot donuts nearly every Saturday so we could hand them to people as an introduction to start talking about Jesus. This usually came with a little piece of paper called a “track” that had the Ten Commandments or the story of Jesus on them.

When I got older I never did anything so bold. I didn’t have it in me. But the minute we sat down for breakfast a few days ago, I strongly felt the Holy Spirit placing it on my heart to ask our favorite waitress if she was okay. Sure enough, she had been having an extremely emotional, rough, scary month. I felt the Holy Spirit really wanting me to just sit and listen–not jump in to talk–but to listen. When she was done, I did something I have never done in my adult life. I asked her if I could pray for her and which specific things I could pray for. I found a pen and paper in my purse and I started to get a list together. She didn’t seem put off at all by this. She was willing to tell me these things, and the entire time in my head I am saying, “Holy Spirit, lead and guide me in this.”

There were people around us, but I didn’t care anymore. In that moment, like a lot of other moments this week and the last, the topic of my faith has come up in this manner. Lately my prayer has become, “Father, if an opportunity presents itself to speak about you, help me not be afraid. Lead and guide me in every way. Let me talk less and listen more. Help me to have the courage. Be with me.”

There may always be moments when we care more about what others will think of us than anything else. When we feel as though we should be sharing, but we don’t, and the opportunity to share with someone is missed. I use to wait until I felt the time was right or until I thought I was safe enough to say something, and I still struggle with this. If it weren’t for the constant nudge out of my comfort zone lately I would be “keeping my faith to myself” still. But I have been thinking about Isaiah 55:8: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.”

I just want to take a moment to thank Him for not giving up on me and not being ashamed of me, as I have been of Him. It makes me cringe to think about it, but it’s being truthful. Now I must be obedient to His Word and not fret over what the world may say or what people I knew may think of me. I want others to feel and taste how sweet it is to be loved beyond the word unconditionally. If I am being used to help someone see this love in Christ, then who am I to say, “No, I am too shy about this.” And even if it all starts out with a simple request to pray, then so be it. I am willing, Lord.

All for His Glory

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