You know that saying that you want something “so bad you can taste it”? That’s me. I have this propensity to get so caught up in my hopes and dreams that this is all I can see, think about, or want. I often pushed aside my relationship with Christ. Whenever we would talk about laying our hopes and dreams at His feet in the lectures or in the study, I would always say, “Okay, Lord, take my dreams.” The next day I would wake up and act like I never said that. It was never an idea I would stick to or be intentional about. There was a time, in the not so distant past, when I would really up my communication with Him if I was praying for a job or crying out for provision to be made for me. I would tell myself, “You are going to do better today, you asked the Lord for something, and now you need to talk to Him more.”
For so long, I wanted to experience something other than opening myself up to Him and letting Him take up residence. For so long, my title mattered, what car I drove, what house I lived in. I wanted to taste the success and get praise from the world. I tried to have my feet set in two different places: (1) in the world and (2) walking with Christ. You can’t do both. You are tricking yourself if you believe you can walk in both. This was so me. And because I wasn’t finding exactly what I wanted in walking with Christ, like a child, I was constantly looking elsewhere. Oh! I struggle with this so badly. This can be set right next to anger as far as major weaknesses in my walk with Christ. I love what Laurie said in her lecture this past Tuesday: “Everything IN the world promises to fill the void.” You will always feel unsatisfied, you will always feel like you are “in search of something deeper.” I have experienced this.
But now I have come to a place where I surrender to Him. I don’t want to run anymore, I don’t want to chase after the world. I want to sit at his feet. I honestly just want to rest there. I can now truly say with Galatians 2:20, “I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself up for me.”
Realizing that His heart is tender towards me and patiently waiting for me, coupled with walking in faith to truly believe that, has been life altering these last couple of weeks. Exodus 34:6 describes God as, “The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness…” These are the very attributes of God that have allowed me to have chance after chance to come to this point where I am right now. It was a paradigm shift in how I see Him. The fact that His grace is personally granted by Him to work on my behalf was a huge deal for me. In mercy He allowed me to struggle through this, to turn my back, and to question Him without giving up on me and without giving me the wrath I so deserved. This is unconditional, transcending, divine love that only God can give. So, I will in His strength patiently kneel in this throne room and offer up my sacrifice of thanksgiving and praise. In my flesh do I still have the urge to go in search of what I want? Yes. But this time my adoration, thanks, and love for my Father outweighs it all.
All for His Glory
