Trusting God’s Plan


I find that I have so many questions. God, what is your plan for me? I think about Psalm 86:15: “But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.” I think on this because it is God who sustains me. I am reading through R.C. Sproul’s The Holiness of God, and I am overcome with so many emotions lately at the thought of who He is. He is set apart, above all things, and creator of everything I set my eyes upon. He created the stars, the millions upon millions of galaxies, and the sky that cradles them. This is the one who is faithful to me. Wow! How could I doubt His plan for me, or that He even has a plan for me? At times I even have to say aloud, “Abba Father, I confess, I am not believing that this will work out for my good. I know you said it, but I confess I am not believing this. Help me to believe.”

I often struggle being so open to His pure and perfect love. Sometimes I have been thinking that maybe it’s hard to receive such an unconditional perfect love because of the sense of unworthiness that sets in. Other times I get so caught up in my trials that I forget that He truly does love me despite my lack of surrender, my doubt, and my anger. But through Christ’s strength I must have faith that I will overcome and learn to receive this beautiful gift. He is for me, and never out to get me. No matter how much my flesh and the enemy tries to deceive me into thinking otherwise. Even as I say this to you, I must be in remembrance of His unwavering love.

I want to share something with you. But as I sit in this coffee shop, I am still not sure exactly how to form words around this topic. It is exposing in a way. I keep asking, “Lord, is it okay to even share this?” Even right now, I took a short pause from typing just so I could lower this document on my laptop so no one sees what I am doing. For some reason when it comes to this topic, I have a tendency to be almost secretive. I have never really opened up about this before. Maybe a couple of friends and a family member or so, but that’s it. I just want to give it to the Lord so bad, and share with you what this struggle has been like for me. It has been so heavy on me, and so much at the forefront of my mind that I felt as though it was time to open up.

For maybe the last two years of my marriage, my husband and I have been trying to start our family. If you would have told me ten years ago when I first met my future husband, that we would have difficulty conceiving a child, I probably would have been shocked. There were a couple certain things we knew going into our marriage (1) we were young and (2) we were going to be broke for a while. So there were no surprises there. It was frustrating at times, but no surprise. But never, did I think fertility would ever be an issue when the time came.

When we first started trying to have a child, I had the thought of being honored that the Lord would use me as a vessel to bring a life into the world. But that year came and went, and nothing happened. Hope started to fade, and disappointment set in. During this time I experienced loss, sadness, and a blow to my joy. I just thought, “Okay, Lord, maybe you are trying to say, ‘Not now. You two aren’t wise enough,’ or, ‘No, you two need to learn a few lessons first.'” And you see? Right there, I was already doubting Him and His plan for me. On a side note, I just so happen to be in a semester with Thistlebend, and was fairly new to giving anything over to the Lord. I was actually fairly new to walking with Christ. (I hadn’t come to this realization until quite recently). I wanted to share with my small group while this was all happening, but my fear and pride kept me from seeking any help in this. I wasn’t too keen on fellowship just yet, and didn’t think anyone could relate.

If I am being real with you, there were many times I would cry out to the Lord when I would be home alone. I would be on my face, in the middle of the room bawling my eyes out. Thinking through those moments, one moment in particular went just like this. “Okay, Romans 8:34 says ‘Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.’ What am I missing here?” I said to myself.  “Am I missing something? Is my faith too small? I thought Jesus was interceding for me. Why do I feel as if He is not? What is broken, Father? I thought I was doing this all right. I thought if my ways were pleasing, you would answer my prayers.”

The months would come and go. I had to sit back and watch as friends became pregnant, more than once, and I couldn’t. I am so genuinely happy for them. I know what a blessing that gift truly is. I sit back and just wish it were us. I would listen to people tell me just at the mention of wanting to have a baby, “You should enjoy this time, don’t rush to have children.” I would get so mad because if they only knew how much my heart wanted it. If they only knew the nights I sat up crying. But as time went on, the question changed to, “When are you going to have babies?” They didn’t know that it had been nearly two years for us of trying. I was hurting so bad, and my heart was in physical pain at times. The doctors’ high hopes for me weren’t coming to anything, and I often prayed for God to dull or shut off the desire to have a child. I wanted it to completely go away because sometimes you just get tired of the constant disappointments.

When I look back now, I realize that I tried to take matters into my own hands. I started this pattern of trying to do the “good” or “right” things with the silly notion that I could somehow force the hand of God. I thought if I did everything a certain way, He would see this. I could pretend to be patient, and He would see that too, and that I was working hard to “change.” Being in a Bible study would show Him this, and He would bless this, and then BAM! Problem solved I would have my prayers answered. But I didn’t see anything working. I still wasn’t with child, and I allowed my foolish ways to dictate where my motives and focus were going. This lead me to think the Lord wasn’t even listening. When doubt set in, it grabbed a hold and captivated my thoughts. I did this to myself for so long. I believed the lies of the enemy, and it has kept me bound for so long.

Ladies, I know my situation could be worse. I still have some hope for my situation. But the strain this caused on us every month was so heavy that I often felt my marriage cracking under the pressure. I felt broken for so long. Every month I let this disappointment take my focus off my relationship with Christ and watched as it would shift to self. I share this with you because although I am sad about nothing working the natural way, God is still in control. He is bigger than the box I placed Him in for two years. I still want children, very much so! But I want His will done for my life so much more. We can be so enamored by our desires that we put our dreams, hopes, and wants on a pedestal. We idolize them, and they become what’s important us. I lay my dreams at His feet. If I don’t lay dreams and cares at His feet like we are told to, I will be crushed by them. I think that is why He tells us to do that.

I needed to grow so badly in this area of my life. I need to fully trust in Him with all my cares. This drove me to my knees, and if it didn’t take me to my knees I would still probably be focusing on myself and my wants. I wouldn’t be trying to find Him in the midst of this pain if He didn’t love me enough to show this to me. I love this verse, and not just for this season in my life, but for everything. “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Cor. 12:9-10).

Even in my weakness of fear, sadness, and impatience for the Lord to answer my prayer, He has said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” He is strong. He has given me the grace to endure this time. His grace covers me, and in my emptiness He makes me completely whole. I am learning that just because I can’t outright see in front of my face that God is moving on my behalf, it doesn’t mean that He is not working. His thoughts and ways are so much higher than my own. He knows what is best for me. When He reveals his plan for this area of my life, I will trust in that and know that it is for my good. Every day, step by step, I am learning to give it all over to Him. Even if this takes confessing my lack of unbelief in that moment. I will put my flesh to death and pick up my cross and press forward in His strength. Even though this time is not easy, comfortable, or what I pictured for my life, I cling to this–He is for me and never out to get me! I must abide in His truth. I must stay grounded in my God who is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Amen.

All for His Glory


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