Part of My Life? Or My Everything?

I am being tested in ways I never imagined these last few weeks. All of this is happening while we are studying and looking in depth at what earnestly seeking the Lord looks like. I didn’t truly know what earnestly seeking Him would entail. The little I did know seemed to be for the really “holy people.” But just last night, I got up from my sleep and for the first time ever in my life all I could do was pray and think on His Word. For the first time I found myself seeking Him first, before anything or anyone.

That morning we had done a ton of work in the Falling in Love Again with Your Lord study. At first I was having such a hard time because I wasn’t sure how writing down tons of Scriptures in our lesson would help me. But slowly His Word started to speak to my heart. Each verse brought new understanding. It brought such a peace knowing more about my Lord. It became more personal for me. It may seem silly, but honestly through all this pain I have been feeling, I kept being pointed back to Christ. I will admit, I was mad at my circumstances. I wanted to react to things my way. I wanted the satisfaction of reacting in a manner that I thought justified my feelings. It hurt letting go of my way. But His Word kept being unfolded before me in the morning, noon, and now at night. I began to have a peace and a love for my protector, provider, friend, and Father. He is becoming so much more to me than a faith I claim or a weekly routine to go through because it feels like the right thing to do. He kept leading me back to the verses about understanding in Psalm 119 and I feel like I have lived off of these Scriptures:

Make me understand the way of your precepts, and I will meditate on your wondrous works. (Psa. 119:27)

Your hands have made and fashioned me; give me understanding that I may learn your commandments. (Psa. 119:73)

How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! Through your precepts I get understanding; therefore I hate every false way. (Psa. 119:103-104)

When I woke up in the night, I didn’t care if I was praying right or following an exact formula. My heart was hurting and I felt a longing for Him and His Word. I had been having trouble with even knowing if this kind of love was possible in my relationship with Christ. Now, I feel as though it is more real to me than before.

Even though I had doubt and fear going into this study, He is showing me that He is the only constant in my life. I never thought I would think of Him in this way. But just as the study said, I had a bad habit of “putting God in His place.” I have marginalized Him, and for so long I was “making Him part of my life” instead of my everything.

All for His Glory