As this study draws near to closing, I find myself reflecting on many things that took place while I was in Falling in Love Again with Your Lord. I dealt heavily in areas of feelings and asking God, “Why?” “Why are you doing this now?” was a really big question I had during this study. I am convinced that He brought me to a place during this study where all I would focus on and need was His sustaining love and the words of His truth. There were areas uncovered in the deepest parts of my heart I wanted to hide, but they had to be confronted if this love was to be real. What I would learn through this all was that He keeps me, loves me, and cares for me, and wants to create in us all a faith that can stand against any trial and test we may face.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. (James 1:2-4)
I struggled with many things during this study. Here are a few:
-Trying to earn or control His love
-Keeping Him at a distance so I wouldn’t have to open up in certain areas of my life
-Holding others in contempt
-Wanting to be heard or wanting to be justified
-Letting go of my desires in life (a name for myself, power, position)
-Fear of what He would take from me (husband, no children)
-Finding out I didn’t trust Him because I felt as though I had been betrayed by Him
Have you heard that saying, “When it rains it pours”? No joke, these struggles were almost all at once. I couldn’t hide anymore, and I think above all, this was the most uncomfortable: People were seeing me struggle. These weren’t situations I could hide or deal with privately. I was exposed. I don’t like being vunerable and this is right where He had me—vulnerable and open. It would not be wise to tell you this walk with the Lord is easy. If you ask Him to change you, He will, and the trials will come. Who we place our hope and trust in will make all the difference in the end, and it took major adjusting to place my eyes on Christ. I am still adjusting…every day.
I wanted to share with you what I shared with the ladies one Tuesday night:
Right now, to say “He is completely in control” despite what my eyes can see, is clearly His grace being poured upon me in this study. Through trials and tribulations I would abandon any trust in Him and question everything. I couldn’t see beyond the feeling of betrayal I let lead me. He is taking me to a place where instead of asking, “Why?” it is as though I can feel Him molding me. There will be days when you hurt, when you cry, and when you feel everything BUT love. But I am telling you, we can’t be tempted to follow this. We have to stop and go to Him confessing out loud that we don’t know how to count it all joy. In His time, He will pour out His grace and it will be sufficient.
All for His Glory