THBBloomBlogLotus

Sitting down to write this post has been extremely challenging for me. I have sat down time after time to begin writing it or to finish writing it yet somehow the words just wouldn’t come together. As crazy as it sounds, it has been truly impossible for me to put my thoughts down on the page. This task that I have enjoyed doing time and time again has been so daunting. I asked a friend to pray for me as I was working on the blog post, and she has been sweet enough to pray for me and to continue to follow up with me. Yet a week later I am still overwhelmed at the thought of even trying to put something together. I began to ask the Lord, “Why am I still struggling?”

Each morning as I work through the In the Garden study and I come to the “Confession” section, this verse jumps out at me on the page.

Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psa. 139:23-24)

The issue is, I often don’t want to ask the Lord to search my heart. It can get pretty messy in there. When I get to the second verse my flesh tenses up a little more. “Try me and know and my thoughts.” For me to truly ask the Lord to try me means that I have to be ready for Him to actually send trials my way. And I have walked through the Lord’s trials before, and they aren’t always fun. To be honest, I really would rather not ask the Lord to know my thoughts.

The Lord has been revealing to me that my thought life is not pleasing and honoring to Him. I have somehow convinced myself that if I am not sinning on the outside or if I don’t say my thoughts out loud then it isn’t really that big of a deal. No one knows about it anyway, right?

As I got to the confession portion of the study this morning, the Lord continued to want to show me the reason I’ve been struggling to put this post together.
It is because of my pride. As I would attempt to write I kept thinking about how I wanted it to make sense so that others would read it and think it was a really well written post. My pride wanted others to read my post and think it was great. My pride wanted the words I wrote down to sound perfect and flow together. Yet the Lord taught me this morning that none of that matters because this is all for His glory alone. It really has nothing to do with me, and if I trust Him as I share my thoughts that He has given me, that is all that matters. I don’t always have the words to put together a great post but thankfully our great God is the provider and lovingly helps His children when they are weak.

James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”

So I confess right now that my pride has gotten in the way of allowing me to fully trust the Lord as I tried to put these words on the page.

I am praying that the Lord would give us all much grace to be honest as we ask Him to search our hearts and know our thoughts. It isn’t always fun and it can get messy, but the eternal blessing of letting God bring the truth to light is far greater than remaining in ignorance of our own hearts.

Standing on the Word

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An affair, you say?
No, I would never let that come my way.
I love my husband; he’s the only man for me.
An affair, you say?
No, it would never occur to me.

I love my man; my heart wouldn’t look to another.
My husband is the best; he’s my friend and my lover.
My pride tells me that I could never commit adultery.
No, that would be awful; it simply isn’t me.

Then one day, the Lord revealed to me
Just how unfaithful I could really be.
For my Maker is my husband—the Lord Almighty is his name.
He loves me unconditionally and wants from me the same.

He wants my soul, my body, mind and heart.
He wants my WHOLE heart, not just a piece, not just a part.
He wants me to put Him first, each and every day.
But because He loves me, He’ll never force his way.

You are my number one Lord,
I love you, I really do!
Of course I also love my husband;
So maybe you are number two.

And you see Lord, I have three young children; they really need me.
Okay, Lord, perhaps you are number three.
Well, who else is going to take care of all these chores?
I guess, Lord, you might be number four.
What about me, myself, and I?
Yes, it’s true; you are at least number five.

I can’t bear to go on; the list would be too long.
What’s happened Lord?
Where’s all the time gone?
I thought that you were first in my heart;
Obviously I was wrong.

Standing in my pride, I know I’m on shaky ground.
Oh, to be humbled; thank you, Lord, for bringing me down.
Down to a level where I can truly see
What really is going on deep inside of me.

The truth of the matter is I love myself the most.
The Lord is not first in my heart; He doesn’t come even close.
Therefore, I praise you Father with everything I can;
That even when you see my heart, you love me just as I am.

I’m humbled by this amazing love,
Faithful, true and pure.
His lovingkindness draws me in;
Of this I can be sure.

What do I do now in response to a love of this kind?
The answer is clear:
Love my Lord with all my heart, all my soul and all my mind.

How is it now that I can heed this call?
I must die to myself and truly surrender all.
Then I will be filled by the Holy Spirit and the Lord will have His rightful place;
As truly first in my heart, thanks to His amazing grace.

“You adulterous people, don’t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God?” (James 4:4)

Learning to Live in the Garden of Grace

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“Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God commanded you, that your days may be long, and that it may go well with you in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Deut. 5:16). Having done In the Garden before, I knew this commandment was coming. I thought, maybe I can just skim over this one real quick. I don’t necessarily see how I can apply this one. I had been dealing with this same issue the last time I did this study. Although, this time was different. I am actually desiring to be transformed in my thinking and to go deeper in my walk with Christ. But, if I am being real with you, I didn’t want to be transformed in this area just yet. Any area, BUT THIS COMMANDMENT.

In the middle of my alone time, I stopped when I realized this was the commandment we were going to be reading over that day. I whispered to myself, “Jesus, I need you to give me the strength right now.” I began to just talk to my heavenly Father. I went on to speak aloud as I was writing the following:

“Father, how do you expect me to just turn the other cheek to the person that is constantly talking bad about me? You tell me to honor my mom and yet it has taken nearly a year to even be alone in the same room as her. On top of that, you call me to honor a man who wasn’t there for me when I was born, and I had to reach out to him for a relationship. He loves alcohol more than his own children, what is that about?! Why can’t you change them first? Why me? I want to honor you, God. But can’t I honor you in another way? Why do I have to do this? Help the next words come out of my mouth because I don’t want to say them… Nevertheless, Father, even though my heart is not wanting this, move in me. You have to move in me because I am so weak. Your will, not mine. Your way, not my own. Let me see what you see, Lord. Help me to love like you despite my feelings. You see what is going on in these relationships, Father. I know you are just, I know you are in control. I also know that you know every hair on my head. This means you know exactly the place I am at right now. You know my thoughts before I even think them. You are going to have to move in me, because I can’t do this. I just can’t without your grace.”

I wasn’t ready to let these issues go. Then I read something in the study that hit me in the gut. I hadn’t gotten to it just yet because I hadn’t even made it past seeing the “Fifth Commandment.” The next part of the study says, “Our attitude towards our parents can sometimes be a revealing gauge of our attitude towards God.” WHOA. My heart sunk. It gets better. The study goes on: “But because God has commanded us to honor our parents regardless of their worthiness, how we treat our parents in this regard does become a gauge of how we are responding to the Lord…”

With the help of the Holy Spirit I started to realize that I have not ever been capable of honoring them in my own strength. It is so crazy to confess what I have been holding on to for so long. I also realized something else. I am so thankful that my heavenly Father hasn’t grown weary with me like I have with my earthly parents.

He never said it would be easy to do, but good thing we don’t do this on our own. In my own “wisdom” (foolishness) I never would be able to accomplish anything pertaining to living like Christ. I could never comprehend the love He has if it were not for Him loving me first. The Bible says, “We love because he first loved us. If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen. And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother” (1 John 4:19-21).

I can choose to try to love my mother and father in my own strength (which is impossible). Or I can choose to look to my Savior! I can choose to speak the truth to myself. I can choose to lean into Him the more I feel weak. I need to really take inventory and ask if I really love God more than feeling justified in my flesh. The Bible is very clear what is in my heart if it is not love. If I choose to go off of my feelings then I am choosing to hate and be disobedient. I want to obey the Word of God and be set free. During the study I wasn’t even sure how I could find a way to honor them. But I can honor them by being a light to them. I am no longer representing myself; I am representing Christ. This is the most important thing they need to see from me, hear from me, or feel from me.

As we seek to be planted deeper in His healing, everlasting, and unchanging truth, may we ask God to search every crack and corner of our hearts. And when He does, may our hunger and thirst to love Him more completely cover the desire to be anything other than what He sees fit to make us.

All for His Glory